026: How To Reduce Stress About Sex In Your Relationship - Part 3
In episodes 24 - 26 we're going all in on how to reduce stress in your relationship about sex!
When I interviewed multiple working moms before creating The Working Mom Happiness Method, sex was one of the most common topics that came up.
This is because as busy, working moms, a lot of days the last thing we want to do when we finally get settled in for the night is touch anyone or anything!
In these 3 episodes we'll cover all the tips and tricks for how to fix this.
We'll talk about learning to accept yourself (your body and your sexuality), learning more about what turns you on and what turns you off, timing and energy levels, and ensuring you're not using sex to avoid feelings or for validation.
Here are links to the two books I mention in the episodes:
Come As You Are
Eat That Frog
Here's the Instagram account for the sex therapist I mention in the episodes: Kristin B Hodson
Learn more about The Working Mom Happiness Method course here!
To join The Working Mom Happiness Method Facebook group click here.
-
Hi, my name is Katy Blommer and my passion is helping women learn how to put themselves first, I learned all the tools for success on my own 12 year journey that has led me to finally figuring out how to live my best life. My journey included overcoming body image issues, and yo yo dieting, climbing the corporate ladder to a multiple six figure career, navigating mom guilt through a 60 hour workweek turning around marriage issues, and much more. Now, I'm truly living my best life. And I've pretty much become obsessed with teaching others my tried and true methods for creating balance, maintaining healthy habits, improving your relationship, career development, and how to stop tying your value and worth, to the way you look and how you serve others. I'm so passionate about helping others learn this, that I created the working mom happiness method to help you get there too. So if you're ready to learn how to live your best life, pull up a chair or put on your walking shoes and get ready to dive in. This is the working mom happiness method podcast.
All right, here we are in the third part of the episode about sex, I can't believe we went into three parts here, I was going to try to keep it to two. But like I said, a lot of things to cover here. So if you're just joining us in the third part, please go back and start Two episodes ago with part one because there are some important disclaimers there. And also, we're just kind of jumping right in where we left off. So it might be a little awkward to start here. So go back and listen there. All right, where we left off was we're in the fourth of five categories that we're going to cover related to sex. And this category is timing and energy levels. So let's jump right in. Alright, there's a book and I will link it in the show notes. It's called Eat That Frog. And I know that sounds crazy. Honestly, if I'm being honest, the book is very self helpy, like slightly cheesy, but really, really great information. And it's not related to sex at all. The concept of the book is to do identify what the hardest thing in your day is, and do it first in the morning, doesn't it doesn't mean you have to do it exactly when you roll out of bed. But it means get it done in the early part of your day. Because you just want to knock it out, get it out of the way and ensure that you get it done. It's honestly more of like a business performance book. In fact, I talk about it when we get to career development as well. But it was such a life changing thing for me that I put it here because years ago when I was reading this book, it aligned right with a time when I was working on my marriage and working through my sex therapy and all these things. And I was reading it as a personal development book related to business. But this why reading personal development books as part of your morning routine is life changing, right? And who would have thought it would have helped me so much in this in this area of sex? So as I was really thinking through well, like, what is the hardest thing for me in my day, what's the hardest thing for me to get to knock out and get done? Above all else, it was sex. Because as I've been very clear with in the last couple of episodes, I could go months and months without doing it and be totally fine. Like I don't need it for connection. But my husband does. He needs it very often. And so it became such a chore for me. It became exhausting and hard and a chore for me. And I got to the point where I would really dread it. Because how many of us, you know, we get to the end of the day, and we are so tired. And we've been doing all the things for everybody else. Well, now you don't because you've been listening to this program, and you're changing all that. But before we went through this program, we were doing all the things for everybody else all day, and we're just tired. And we want to sit down and we want to watch our show and we want to go to bed. And then your husband reaches over and he like, you know, honks his hand on your boob or whatever. He tries to initiate sex. And you're it's like the last thing you want to do. It just feels like giving another thing to another person. Now, I know. That doesn't apply to everyone, I realize that this is where I started out by saying some of what I say is going to be more biased to my own situation. But I can tell you, I went through that so many times and then you just feel so bad because you don't want them to feel rejected. It's not that you don't love them or you're not attracted to him. You're just so tired and you just don't want to do that. Right. And so that's what I had in mind when I was reading this eat this frog book. And I was like, had this epiphany of like, what if we move it to the morning like, like, wow, this could be really something and you know, I talked about this in the morning routine episode. I'm not a morning person. So it wasn't like Well, I'm a morning person. So let's do this in the morning. No, it was like getting it out of the way before I get exhausted before all the Hard Things happen throughout the day and my energy is drained and, and I know for my energy tracker way back in the episode where we covered how to protect your energy that after 830 At night, even when I take good care of myself, even when I'm putting myself first and I'm living my best life, I'm really exhausted by 830. And so I just don't do hard things after 8:30pm. And this is a hard thing for me. And so I was like, yeah, it totally makes sense to move it to the morning. And so it's almost, I almost like to compare it to all of our other daily non negotiables. So if we remind ourselves of the list, and I know I've covered these in so many episodes, but it's good because we really want to drill them into your mind. So those are drinking your water, getting good sleep, moving your body, eating the nutritious foods that make you feel good and stress management. So if we, if we think about our five, non negotiables, most of those were trying to take care of early on in the day, well, like actually, not all of them exercise. So let's talk about your body movement, your exercise, because that's really what I based this on. So for me with my body movement, my exercise my workout, I never want to do it literally ever, I never want to I would always rather stay in my bed, or rather just chill or rather do something like watch TV or whatever I never I'm like, Yay, I get to do my workout. Now, it literally never feels like that for me, I'm not that person.
And yet, I still do it. And it's become a routine and a habit for me, because I know how beneficial it is to my health and living my best life. I know. And I believe that. And so I make it a priority and I get it done. And I knock it out in the morning because I know if I wait until later on in the day, I will be too exhausted. And chances are something will come up a kid thing or work thing and I'll run out of time or I'll be exhausted. So I always get it done in the morning. And I do it even though I don't want to. So I started to think well, why can't I view sex that way? Why can I view it as something that it's it's a need for my partner. So therefore it makes my life better because it makes my marriage better. And also one of the things I really learned that when I stopped resisting that like this was something I had to do for him like, oh, it's like, I used to have this very feministic attitude. And I'm still a feminist I still am but like this very feministic of like, it's not my job to give my husband sex, like I used to be really frustrated about that. And then when I went through all my marriage therapy and learn that is a genuine love need for him, it's a love connection need for him. And that actually I am choosing to be in a relationship with Him. And because I'm choosing I do need to make an effort to meet his love needs, right? That was a game changer for me. And so the other thing that I learned through that was that when I meet that need for him, it makes him much more likely. And wanting to meet my needs. It's a two way street. And so I get the love connection needs, which for me are quality time and acts of service much more often now that I'm doing that for him much more often. And it truly is something I'm doing for him. But that's okay. Because I'm doing it in a healthy way that meets my boundaries. And so I shifted it to the morning, changed our lives, and changed our marriage, Like, legitimately I went from really struggling about and having so much stress about it on a daily basis, almost two, it's not perfect, I don't want to say anything's perfect, like, there are still times when I'm not in the mood for it. And what we try to do is shift that a little bit more towards just physical touch and not actual sex. But moving it to the morning has been life changing. And we are doing it more frequently with me being very comfortable and feeling like it's in my boundaries than we ever have in our marriage. And that's been a game changer. And so more TMI about me, I warned you. What we do is part of my morning machine, because you're probably thinking, well, that's great for her. But I don't have time in the morning to do that. And like I said, My way is never going to work for everybody that the moral of the story is to find out what does work for you. Right, of course, but that we can think outside of the box and we can make changes that work for us if that is our partner's love or connection need to try to make it happen for them in a way that works for us. But anyways, so what worked for me was I have a 10 minute slot in there that I have scheduled for Physical Touch Time with Mike. And for us that works because I don't need it very often. So I'm not always trying to orgasm during that time. But also because I learned and I talked about this in the last episode, because I learned how to get my body in the mood because like I said in the last episode, I am a person who is never just in the mood, never just strong word but almost never just in the mood just naturally in the mood like I have to get there. And I learned how to do that learned by learning my body better and learning what stimulates me. And it actually only takes a few minutes to get there now that I know how to get myself in the mood and so it actually can go just fine for both of us in 10 minutes, but it always doesn't always have to. I know it's something that I'm doing for him because I don't really need it. So sometimes it's not always like, amazing for me, which is totally fine, because it's just 10 minutes and I can do that I can do it and it feels fine, and it's done. And then at nighttime, I get to come home and just relax and enjoy myself. And no, there is no expectation for that, because we've had that conversation. And he knows that that's not when it's going to happen. And it is like, the best thing ever. So if you're somebody who has the time, or you can get it done quickly, like we can try this because it's amazing. But really, like I said, the moral of the story is when is your energy best throughout the day or the week for having sex really use the energy tracker that i It's the episode called Protect your energy, I don't remember what number it is. But there's a link in the show notes to get a free energy tracker, and you can use it to track your energy. If you haven't already to know like, what would be a good time of day for you. If you're both working for home from home, would it be lunch like what makes most sense. And because it's a game changer. So put in an effort to figure that out for you and have a conversation with him about it. Like When are your breaks lower and your accelerators higher. So you can take what we learned in the last episode about your brakes. And your accelerators imply those as it relates to the timing and your energy levels. And then the other thing here that I think is really important is scheduling time for sex, or physical touch, schedule it in make a plan. As part of the program. When we get to the end of this program, you create your best life master schedule. And I'm going to assign you every Sunday to plan your week we'll sit down with your spouse and plan this out as part of your week. Look at what you have going on. Be mindful of your energy when you're going to be more tired depending on what's going on at work or your social life or your kids or whatever. And plan when you're going to do it. Now some people hate that because they think it's unromantic. But it's very much like just realistic when you are busy. And you both have jobs and you have kids and you're trying to figure it all out. So whether or not it's romantic, this is the game changer. It doesn't have to be romantic when you know your breaks and accelerators because you can plan based on those breaks and accelerators like you can plan to bring those into the equation to make it feel more romantic. So that can be a game changer. So schedule it in the one caveat, I will say though, if you schedule it in, and that day, like if you're going to do it at night, and that day went not as planned and something really stressful came up or something that's a break for you. That gets in the way of you being able to enjoy sex. It's okay to have that conversation with your partner. explain to them why and what's going on and reschedule it. I think that's important to sort of like not get resentful and stick within your boundaries. Okay. So but that's, that's a really good one.
And then the last thing I want to cover here is if you feel like sex is a chore, like what I felt like, that's okay, it's okay to feel that way. It's on the spectrum of normal. And if it is truly your partner's relationship need, it's okay to do it as a chore as just like you do other chores, keeping your house clean, right? If any of those things because those things keep your life better, and they keep things in order. It's okay to view it that way. The idea though, is you want to learn your brakes and your celery accelerators. You want to learn how you better orgasm. The idea is to like do what you can to make it not feel like a chore but sometimes it might feel like a chore. And that's actually okay, too. I used to think well, why would I even do it? If it's not feeling good for me? Sometimes it's okay to just do that for your partner like sometimes Mike. One of the things I love for him to do with me is watch my shows. And he like so many shows. He can't stand them. He can't stand them. But because he loves me and he knows that's a quality time love connection need for me, he'll do it anyway. It's okay. That's okay. That doesn't mean you're anti feminist. It doesn't mean you're a 1950s housewife, it means you're being a good partner and you're trying to meet his needs, but you have to be very careful to not do it, overdo it to a point where you're resentful, and you're going past your boundaries. And I realize that's complicated, but it is okay. Sometimes to see it as a chore and do it anyway, it is it's totally fine. Okay. Our last topic is are you using sex to avoid your feelings or to seek validation? So let's break those down.
So it is true that sex releases endorphins chemicals into your body that do help relieve stress. And that's a benefit. And that's okay to like use it for that for some form of stress relief. But what can become common, especially if you're somebody on the end of the spectrum who has high accelerators, low brakes and you really you very much enjoy sex and you want to have it very often. We can tend to use sex to avoid our feelings just like we can use food or social media or watching TV or shopping or all the things that we talked about in I don't remember which episode it was, but We already talked about that, we can use sexes that too. And so it's really important to ensure that you're, you're not doing that, that you are taking the time to have awareness if you're using it for a feeling avoidance tactic. And so it doesn't mean you need to have less sex, if you are, it's really about taking the time to sit down and feel your feelings and processing them in your body. As we've talked about in previous episodes, we've gone into that in detail. So I won't cover it again, like the techniques for that. But really making sure and you're having that awareness of like, this can really help, especially if you have a partner who wants to do it less frequently than you and that hurts your feelings. Because sometimes you're using it as a feeling avoidance tool. So having that awareness and really learning how to soothe yourself and work through your feelings can be a game changer. So that's really important. And then seeking validation. So an I definitely fell into this category for lots of years in my marriage like this, it falls into where like, you don't want to have sex very often, you're not in the mood, and you're doing it anyway, full of resentment, because you just want to keep your partner happy, and you want him to stay with you. And you're a people pleaser. That is a recipe for disaster, I can just attest to that firsthand, it's a recipe for disaster. And it is very different than what I just described a minute ago about it's okay, for sex to feel like a chore sometimes that is very, very different than doing it as a people pleasing technique to keep him happy, because he's pressuring you, and you're resentful and it doesn't feel good and you don't enjoy it and you hate the whole situation. If you're feeling that way, you shouldn't have sex, like you shouldn't do it, because it's just building up a trauma response in you with all those resentment towards him. And that happened to me because I did that so many times throughout our marriage. So it really is important to not not have sex in that for that reason, or in those instances and to step back, and you can have a conversation with him about it. These are really like tricky conversations to have because depending on what his love needs aren't, he could feel very rejected by that. So I highly recommend going to a therapist to have these conversations. That doesn't mean like your marriage doesn't need to be falling apart to do that. It can be very beneficial to have somebody who's skilled guide you through those discussions and those conversations. So nobody is like, deeply hurt by it. But it's really really important to not do it as when I say seeking validation like seeking approval from your partner or keeping them around or from a codependence perspective. It's a recipe for disaster. So let me just see if there was anything else that I want to. Yeah, so a little bit about scarcity versus abundance mindset. And we're going to talk about this more in an upcoming episode, but doing it because you're trying to keep him happy and you have an unhealthy codependent attachment to him that is coming out of scarcity mindset. That's a scarcity mindset. That's fear based scarcity mindset. The way to shift it into abundance mindset. And a much more healthy mindset is to say, I'm choosing to do this, because it is a true love need for him and to make our relationship better. But before I do that, I'm going to explore my own needs and ways to make this better for myself. And I'm going to do it for me coming a place of from a place of standing in my own power and improving my life versus just doing it so he'll stay in my life and I can keep him around and keep him happy. Right? That's more scarcity mindset versus abundance. So I did want to call that out. Okay, I think we're about ready to wrap up. Let's just do a quick recap of what we've covered in this episode and the last two episodes. Accepting and feeling confident in your current body is an important step for a better sex life. Get to know your body better grab that hand, Mir spend some time looking at the vulva. Also, let's call it the vulva, not the vagina. Let's try to refer to the vagina when we actually mean the inside part and the vulva when we mean the outside part.
Your sexuality, the frequency and with which you want sex, your breaks and accelerators. However you feel about all that stuff, you are normal. Stop resisting how you feel or trying to make a huge change, embrace it and work with it can be a game changer. Learn your breaks and accelerators and set yourself up for success. Talking to your partner about all of these things is so critical. Even if it feels awkward, please just push through the awkwardness and do it or go to a therapist and do it it's amazing and will change your life. Know what timing and energy levels are best for you. Be mindful about how you might be using sex to avoid feelings or for validation. So really your main homework on this topic is to use the energy level assessment to determine what times of day or week might be best for you for having sex, and then paying closer attention to what your breaks in it. accelerators are an honoring those. Okay, so that's like the main piece of homework. Thank you so much for listening. As always, if you ever want to go deeper into this stuff, reach out to me, you can message me on Instagram, my website has a contact form. You can find that stuff in the show notes here. I have a one on one coaching program where we go much deeper on all this stuff. And I also have a group program for companies. So if you are somebody who's in a position to bring a program like this for a small group of women working moms at your company, or you know somebody who is the decision maker who would be interested in that, please I would love to make the connections. So just let me know. And I will talk to you in the next episode. Thanks so much.
Thanks so much for listening to the working mom happiness method. If you liked what you heard, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with others who might benefit from listening for show notes or to enroll in the working mom happiness method coaching courses, visit www dot women's best life university.com
