021: How to Improve Your Relationship, Get Your Needs Met, and Get Him to Help Out (Part 2)
If you are struggling with getting your needs met or feeling a connection in your relationship, episode 20, 21, and 22 are for you (I had to split this topic out into 3 episodes to keep each around 30 mins because there's just so much to discuss here)!
Maybe you're with a good guy, and your relationship is pretty good, but you're tired of doing all the things around the house, all the kid things, and working full time. You've asked him for help many times, and he does it for a couple days or a couple times, but then it fizzles out.
Or maybe you want to go out on more dates, but he doesn't care very much about going on dates, and when you ask him he takes you on one or two dates, and then that fizzles out.
If any of this sounds familiar, you are definitely not alone.
These 3 episodes go deep on how to change this.
Here's the link to the E-book mentioned in the episode (it's not a scam, I promise!): E-Book Link
Here's the link to the less than 2 min video, It's Not About the Nail (SO GOOD): Best Relationship Video Link
Learn more about The Working Mom Happiness Method course here!
To join The Working Mom Happiness Method Facebook group click here.
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Hi, my name is Katy Blommer and my passion is helping women learn how to put themselves first, I learned all the tools for success on my own 12 year journey that has led me to finally figuring out how to live my best life. My journey included overcoming body image issues, and yo yo dieting, climbing the corporate ladder to a multiple six figure career, navigating mom guilt through a 60 hour workweek turning around marriage issues and much more. Now, I'm truly living my best life. And I've pretty much become obsessed with teaching others my tried and true methods for creating balance, maintaining healthy habits, improving your relationship, career development, and how to stop tying your value and worth, to the way you look and how you serve others. I'm so passionate about helping others learn this, that I created the working mom happiness method to help you get there too. So if you're ready to learn how to live your best life, pull up a chair or put on your walking shoes and get ready to dive in. This is the working mom happiness method podcast.
Okay, welcome to part two of the episode that is all about relationships. If you haven't listened to part one, go back and check out the episode before this because I gave some really important disclaimers at the beginning. To set this all up plus, you're just going to be picking back up in the middle of where we left off. So go check out the episode before this if you didn't already. So we're gonna jump in here, where we left off was talking about masculine and feminine energies. So before I jump into talking about what these are in the difference between them, I want to also just talk about some sort of disclaimers here because I know these can be really controversial. So first of all, I wish they weren't called masculine and feminine, I wish they were called something else. Because the truth is because we associate feminine with a woman and masculine with a man. That's why I hate the name of this. And also just like the whole toxic masculinity thing, which is very real, and I am against just as much as the next person is against. That's why I just I just wish we had different names for these but because this is what we named them in our society, I'm just going with it. But just know that I feel so strongly about that. And the thing that I really want to drive home is everyone has masculine and feminine energies within them, whether you're a man or a woman, you have both. So for example, I naturally have a very strong, dominant masculine personality, those are just, I don't know, if its nature, nurture, whatever it is, but my combination of nature and nurture, I just have very dominant, strong masculine energy within me. And it's hard for me to get into more in touch with my feminine energy side of me. And it's something I'm working on. Because the truth is, a lot of us if we can, if we are more masculine, we are a lot more control freaks, like I'm a recovering control freak, I work very hard on that. And when when we are that way, tapping into our feminine energy can really help us live a more peaceful and calm life. And that goes for men and women. And so that's something that I'm really, really working on. So I want to talk about why it matters that I have dominant masculine energy in just a minute. But let's talk a little bit about the differences between these masculine and feminine energies remembering it doesn't mean men and women, it just means masculine and feminine. So on the masculine side, masculine energy words that go along with our masculine energies are strong, controlled, focused, powerful, centered, purpose driven, loves a challenge or competition. single task oriented problem solver, wants freedom and release makes big things small, forgets needs, admiration and appreciation wants to be needed and respected. Over on the feminine side, some of the words that go with our feminine energy is free flowing open, radiant, wild, destructive, emotion driven, seeks and gives love nurturing, multitasker diffused awareness wants to fill up, gather, talk, vent, make small things big. Remembers needs reassurance and attention wants trust, connection and praise. And remember, both men and women have these things. Now let's talk about what an intimacy killer is on both masculine and feminine energy. So an intimacy killer for somebody with dominant masculine energy is being criticized, controlled or shut out. And an intimacy killer for more feminine energy is feeling unseen, unsafe or misunderstood.
Now I think one of the reasons that these have The names masculine and feminine and we associate masculine with a man and feminine with a woman is that I do think stereotypically, and I'm not saying it's biologically it's, I'm almost certain, and I'm not like I don't study brain science. But from what I've read, I'm almost certain it's nurture, not nature. But stereotypically, men fall more on this side of the masculine words I read and masculine intimacy killers of being criticized, controlled or shut out. And women tend to fall more on the right hand side, or sorry, it's on a page, I'm reading on the feminine side of the words that I read, and the intimacy killer of feeling unseen, unsafe, or misunderstood. But that's, that's not all. That's not always. So just want to point that out. But that's sort of why these words come into play. And even as I was reading, some of them, you are probably like, oh, yeah, that one's me. And that one's mean, you probably picked a couple of words from each side that you could relate with. Or yeah, oh, that's me, or that's something my husband criticizes me for being that way. Especially more on like the one about like, wants to talk vent talk through things, I certainly relate to that on my feminine energy side, like I do that, even though I'm more dominant masculine energy naturally. But here's the kicker in relationships, because of the way men were raised in society, and I hope this is changing, I'm trying to change it with my boys, I'm working as hard as I can to change this with my boys. It's going to be very hard, though, because society still very much gears, boys and men towards these things. But traditionally, in our society, men haven't felt safe being in their feminine energy. So they feel very safe, being in their masculine energy and being the whole, like strong and in control and loves a challenge in competition. And so they have been trained to be more in their masculine energy, for the most part, not all, but for the most part.
And so what happens a lot of times in relationships, is that when we're both trying to be in our masculine energy, we clash, and we butt heads. And that makes just logical sense. Because if two people are trying to control the situation, that's not going to go very well. Now, that does not mean we just give in, that's not what I'm saying, Don't worry, don't don't get afraid. But you can imagine how that doesn't go very well, when two people are in that masculine energy all the time. And this is, what I've learned is one of the main things that I've learned on my journey, relationship through reading and therapy. And all the things I mentioned in the last episode, through my couple years of therapy, and the books that I've read, is that I was way in my masculine energy for all those years, I mentioned of my relationships. So like, I mean, I didn't start learning about this stuff until at least 10 years in, and I didn't really understand it until probably 12 years into my marriage. And so in even that, even after I learned that it was still unraveling and trying to figure it out, and how do you get more in your feminine energy? And what does that mean for me, and, you know, it took years. So I was, in a way in my dominant masculine energy in my relationship for the vast majority of it. And looking back, it's really part of what caused a lot of our issues. And he did too. I mean, very much, you know, both people contribute 5050. But on my side of the equation, I was way in my dominant masculine energy. And, and let me tell you why, as a woman in society has been very beneficial for me to have strong, dominant energy, especially in my corporate career, but it's in school even leading up to that I've always done well. And I've been very successful in the corporate world because of that dominant masculine energy. It just, it serves you well, in a lot of places in the world. I'm not saying that's right. In fact, I don't think it is, I hope it changes. But I think that's one of the reasons why, for example, in the corporate world, I never once working in American Express, felt discriminated against because I was a woman. Now, I'm not saying that there's not systemic misogyny in our system, and we have a lot of work to do there. I'm actually very passionate about that. But I never felt it once that I was held back or that I made less money or anything like that, because I was a woman. And I think that's because I naturally had masculine energy, which fit in very well in that world. Right, which, like I said, we have to change. I also think it's because American Express is a really great company, as it relates to that. I think that's part of it. But I still think Amex has worked in their pockets of that not going well in AmEx, those are all things to continue working on. But so I had a lot of reward and a lot of benefit from being in my dominant and masculine energy. And, and one of the reasons that I was a control freak, and I'm now like to call myself a recovering control freak, because words really matter. But it's because I was really successful at controlling things. I really was I was really good at having things go the way that I wanted them to go. And imagine having that attitude and that trait in your marriage with a man who has dominant masculine energy, right. It's just going to be heads butting, just heads butting and so low burning this and learning how to be more deliberate about shifting more into my feminine energy when I was in my relationship, and even somewhat at work as well, because it just feels more peaceful, a lot of my energy now that I've gone back to AmEx, with this new sense of boundaries and taking care of myself is a lot more in my feminine energy side, I still have the masculine, dominant masculine energy, but I'm much more deliberate about taking care of myself in a lot of those feminine energy type ways. So what happens in relationships between a man and a woman and this is what she you know, the Rory Ray person who the book I mentioned, last episode, I'm fumbling because I gotta keep track of what I said in this episode when I said last episode, but the book have the relationship you want by Rory ray in it, she states that for the most part, relationships between men and women go best when one person is mostly in their feminine energy and one person is mostly in their masculine energy. Now, that doesn't have to be the man in the masculine and the woman and the feminine, it really doesn't if you if I, as a dominant masculine energy woman would have married a dominant feminine energy man, we probably would have been fine and happy. What's tricky is that a dominant feminine energy man is rare, because society doesn't raise those because society raises men to be afraid to show their feminine energy side. So it's very rare. So chances are in your relationship, because of that, your relationship will probably be more successful, if you can move more into your feminine energy while you're with him. Okay, so hopefully, I explained that in a way that doesn't come across as anti feminist because it's truly not, it's all about caring for yourself taking care of yourself in the right way and creating your best life. And we're gonna get way more into how to do that by going more into your feminine energy, okay. But remember that an intimacy killer for masculine energy, which is probably what your male spouse has, or the male person you're dating, if they're male,
is being criticized, controlled or shut out. And then the intimacy killer for feminine energy is feeling unseen, unsafe, or misunderstood, or I think unseen is like unheard. That one really resonates with me too. So let's just talk a little bit more and go into a little bit more detail on this. So, so things to consider and tactics with masculine versus feminine energy. Okay, gotta disclose it. A lot of times, I'm stereotyping here, but we're going to talk about it for the majority. So most men feel loved through appreciation and respect. So for the majority of men, they're going to feel more loved. If you tell them, you appreciate them, and give it an a specific reason. Or you tell them you respect them, than if you say, I love you. It's not that they don't want to hear I love you, but they're going to feel more loved. If you say, I appreciate you and I respect you. This is such an easy thing to work into your relationship because all you have to do is find ways that you appreciate or respect your partner and tell them and it can just be little things. So if they did something that helped you out that day, or that you genuinely appreciated, tell them and use the word appreciate. I really appreciated it. When you did the dishes last night that made me feel so good. And we're going to talk about the last part of that statement. When I said it made me feel that's a huge component of I'm holding up air quotes how to speak dude, okay, is showing appreciation or respect, and then telling them how it made you feel. Because feeling is feminine energy and masculine energy responds really well to that. Okay. So men feel loved through appreciation, respect, anytime you can work the words appreciation, respect, in huge, massive benefit to your relationship right off the bat, it'll go a long way could be in text, it could be actually saying it, but that's a big one. Women want to feel loved and cherished. And part of your job. As we talked about, in the last episode, we were talking about leveling, which is is to figure out what makes you feel that way. So what makes you feel it first of all, for your personal happiness, which is hugely important and outside of your relationship. And we talked about that in the last episode, but what is it that your partner can do to make you feel loved and cherished? What do you need from them to feel that way and really knowing yourself in that way. Tell him what he's doing right? Not what he's doing wrong. Okay. So this is goes back to an intimacy killer from masculine energy is being criticized. And if you want to be heard, it's much more to your benefit to recognize him when he's doing something that helps you so so use that word appreciate show appreciation, and show respect and tell him what he's doing right and how it made you feel. That's how you get the behavior to continue and the change that you want, versus telling him all the things he's doing wrong or not doing. And a huge one here is that if he does start helping out in the way that you want help, or doing the thing you want him to do, telling him, he didn't do it right after he did, it is like the worst possible thing you could do to get him to continue helping. It's the worst possible thing that you could do, telling him he didn't do it right. Versus giving him appreciation. Now, if he didn't do it, right, and you need him to do it, right, we're gonna get into that later. There's a tactic for that on how to bring that up, and how to say it in a way that won't kill the connection. Okay? Don't tell him what to do. Share your feelings, and let him solve it. Okay. Big part of masculine energy is fixing things. If you have not seen the YouTube video, it's not about the nail and AI L, it's not about the nail, I will link it in this episode, you have got to watch it, it's two minutes. And it's such it's like the best two and a half minutes you'll ever spend
masculine energy wants to solve problems and fix things, you've probably run into this in your relationship before where you just want to vent. You just want him to listen and understand and tell you he's sorry, that must be hard. And he tries to fix it. And it's so aggravating. Okay. So masculine energy naturally wants to fix things. So don't tell him what to do. Don't order him around, don't tell him take out the garbage, do the dishes, help more with the kids? Share how you're feeling and let him solve it. So let me give you an example. This is for somebody who is doing all the cleaning all the things around the house, all the kid things and probably working full time. And he's just working and not helping out very much. Or maybe he's helping when you deliberately tell him something to do. But he's not helping as much as you need. One way to say this, you can say, and, first of all, okay. You want to make sure it's a good time for him to hear it. So you could say to him first, hey, I want to talk about some things Is now a good time or when can we talk? Because if you catch them off guard, it's probably not gonna go well. And that's just not that's not like a man thing. That's just a human being thing. So you want to set yourself up for success? So first check and see if now's a good time to talk about it. If not, if he says, oh, no, I can't right now ask when would be okay. And then you decide on a time to talk about it. When you do talk about it, you could say, I am feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed with all of the things that I have going on right now. And I need help, what should we do? And then stop talking. Now the first time you do this, he's gonna say, oh, no, no. Probably Exactly. Like, I don't know. Or he'll get defensive and be like, Well, what do you need me to do? You know, like, like defensive, like thinking you're actually criticizing him when you didn't even know you said it the right way. This takes time. And it takes practice. So if he says, I don't know, really, you just have to share it again, you just have to say, well, I need help figuring it out. Because I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. And I can't keep doing all the things I'm doing. So I need help figuring it out. So what do you think we should do? Just you just literally say it again. And you continue to work on it gets better over time, especially when he starts to realize this is how you're going to come to him. Instead of criticizing him like you have in the past about things or telling him to do things or telling him what he should be doing. Those are intimacy killers for masculine energy. So this is really important and it's a huge component of getting your needs met and your relationship and, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about it in a minute. We're gonna go deeper. Next thing that's really important to remember, you are not always his top priority, and that's okay. That's actually how it should be. So remember the codependence thing I mentioned back in the first part of this episode. Sorry, the last episode part one. For whatever reason, stereotypically, codependence tends to fall more on the woman's side, it tends to be more women who are codependent on men. It happens the other way around. It absolutely does. But stereotypically it's usually women. And usually with women, we tend to make our male partner our top priority. Let me give you an example. Specially when you're dating You have other plans. And at the last minute he asked you if you want to go out, what do you do? Naturally, you cancel all the other plans, you go make sure that you have your makeup and hair all done and you're all shaved. And you you go out with them, you bet you literally just at his beck and call, right? This is very, very common. This is absolutely not what you should be doing. This is setting a relationship up for failure from the beginning, maybe not failure, but a rocky road from the beginning and maybe failure. But we're making him we're making him our top priority. We're canceling plans, giving up other things, not doing things we want to do. Because of him because we want to connect with him, we want him to like us or love us, right?
Men, mostly usually are not that way. They're not that way. Because they've been raised and taught by society to put themselves first their whole lives, we have not. So this is not our fault that we do this. It's because society has taught us to put it's almost like society has taught us codependence in a way. So you're not always going to be his top priority. And what happens is when we have codependence on them, and we make them our top priority, it hurts us so badly, when we're not their top priority all the time. Now, instead of being pissed off at them, we actually need to be more like them in this area, we need to be more like them, and not make them our top priority all the time, we need to have other things in life that make us happy. And that we do and that we get joy and fulfillment out of because then the whole relationships just gonna feel better. So try to remember that when he's not making you his top priority. Now you should be a priority in his life. Okay, so if he's one of these guys, were your guests. And if he likes you or not, no, not okay, like red flag, huge red flag, it should be clear, he should be making you a priority. And sometimes you should be his top priority, you should generally be within his top three priorities. But you're not always going to be his top. And you should, instead of being pissed off or hurt by that, mimic that do the same thing. have other things going on in your life besides Him that make you happy. It's huge. Okay, being helpful and doing things for him all the time is not the way to connect with him. It's not. And I'll tell you why. Because it's basically like you're his mom. And while in the moment, men think they like that they think they like being waited on and taken care of and doing all the things and organizing all the things. They think they like it in the moment. But it's actually an intimacy killer because it is like you're their mom. So it actually creates disconnection in relationship. It also creates disconnection in a relationship because it makes you resentful, and then you're pissed and exhausted all the time. So we think that making him dinner, cleaning the house, doing his laundry, planning, vacations, planning, date, nights, all of those things. We think doing those things in our relationship is creating connection. But it's actually creating disconnection. So the answer here is to stop doing these things, that you don't have to stop doing them all abruptly, as like a punishment, it's not really about that we don't want to come across with that type of malicious energy. But you should start to, to phase out these things that you're doing for him, it'll free up more of your time. And it will ultimately create connection in your relationship. Because when you're mothering him, it's not it's a subconscious disconnect or for him, and it will pull him away from you now, is he going to act pissed, and like he wants all those things when you stop? Yes. And we teach people what to expect from us and how to treat us and a lot of us have taught them to expect that. So unraveling, it can be bumpy. And by the way, if you're going to start working on this stuff, I highly recommend getting a therapist while you go through it. If he'll go, my husband wouldn't go for years and years and years until I ended it. But doing that and having guidance through this process is amazing. Or I'm happy to walk you through, you know the process and how it went for me in more detail if you're going to try it out. Because getting support is really, really helpful on how to kind of baby step through these things. And the idea here, keep in mind is that as you're pulling away from doing all of the things
and by the way, that might mean letting the house get messy, which maybe you don't like but it might really mean that you might have to do that. But while you're pulling away at the same time you're working on meeting his true love and connection needs which I promise you like for the majority of men, their love and connection needs are not for you to do everything in him to do nothing like even if his love language is acts of service. Then you need to really get down and have a serious conversation about what types of acts of service make him feel loved. And if you are working full time and he says my acts of service love needs are for you to do everything with the kids and the cooking and the cleaning and the grocery shopping and even the yard work which I even did the yard work and My relationship. And then granted, I had help. I had a nanny full time, I don't want to make it sound like I was like, doing all of this stuff myself, I had a full time nanny to help with my kids. And she helped with laundry and cooking meals and cleaning up and all that stuff. But he didn't do it because he didn't care if it was done. So that's really classic. And I know a lot of, I've talked to a lot of women who are in that boat where their husbands just say, why are you doing all this stuff, just stop doing it. So it wasn't like he thought they they should be doing it. And that was the same with my husband, he didn't think I should be or was supposed to be the one doing all these things. He just didn't care if they got done. He didn't care if the house was messy. He didn't care if the lawn was mowed. He didn't care if the kids had clothes that fit or nice haircuts or, you know all of those things. He just genuinely didn't care about those things. And what happens is, those are the types of things that end relationships or cause affairs or all of these things. It's those little things that build up over time. And those resentments that build up over time that end relationships, and we're so afraid to say, Hey, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, and I need help with this, what should we do? And then when he says, No, we're afraid to go to that next level to say, Okay, I feel like you don't love me. Because I'm doing all these things on my own. We feel like that's too dramatic. We feel like it's too dramatic to end our relationship over who's cleaning the house. But it's not, it's not too dramatic, you're worth it, you are 100% worth getting the help you need and getting your relationship needs met in your relationship. And that's why everything I'm talking about here is so rooted in women's empowerment, it's rooted in your value and your worth and believing it. And I have the best story related to this, because I was talking about this stuff with a good friend of mine been friends for a very long time. And she brought up that her husband when he sweeps the kitchen, he's, she's he's a great guy, he helps out right. But when he sweeps the kitchen, he doesn't pick up the pile, the pile of things after you sweep, right like the dust crumb hair, all the things the pile, he leaves it on the floor. And this has been a theme for them for years in their marriage for years. And it drives her insane. And it's gotten to the point where it's like she's rages because of it, which I totally can understand. Would you not rage if he left the pile? leaves the pile after sleeping in the middle of the floor? And she had asked him multiple times. Can you please pick up the pile? Can you please pick up the pile and remember, it's not speaking their language. So I told her, I said, I said you next time he does it, you have to sit him down and have a serious relationship talk and say that when he doesn't pick up the pile, it makes you feel like he doesn't love you. And that it might become a deal breaker in your relationship. If he if he can't hear you on that need that you need him. It's a relationship need for you to pick up the pile. And she just thought that was like insane. But she did it. And she texted me and it caused the most massive fight because of course, he was like, Oh, I
can't believe that you would say it's a deal breaker, something as stupid as like a pile of dust in our relationship. Right?
He had a flip out meltdown that she would say that. And that's where most of us back down because we're like, Oh, you're right. You're right, my needs aren't worth a pile of dust. I'm too dramatic. I shouldn't be saying this. If it's something that's been happening for years, and you've asked for it over and over again, and he's not doing it, it is a deal breaker. I'm sorry, it just is. And you are worth being that dramatic. And so the way this story ended was they had like a big ol fight. They were like texting each other for all from opposite ends of the house. And eventually, though, a few hours later, I was like, I was like girl stick to your guns, he's gonna come around. And eventually, a few hours later, she texted me and she's like, you're right. It worked. She was like, he came back and he apologized for not hearing me and not listening. And he's never not picked up the pile again. So this stuff really causes change, but it's scary, or here's the thing, or it doesn't, and they don't change. And then the really scary part is you have to follow through and actually not stay with them. Now, I'm not saying she would have left over the dust pile. I don't know that's up to her, not me. Like I'm not saying that. And you get to choose where your lines are. But if you have that conversation in that way, and it's an ultimatum, and he doesn't do it, then you have to make a choice. And your choice is either you choose to stay with him and except he's never going to clean up that dust pile again. So you stop asking you let it go. He's not going to change or you leave him and you walk away. And that is really difficult. It is really, really difficult but we are worth it. Okay. All right. Where was I? When I went off on that story, I was talking about how being helpful and doing things for him all the time is is not the way to do it. Okay, so we really went deep on that one. Okay. Next one that I think is really helpful, especially if you're dating or in the earlier stages of your relationship is that men don't think about relationships using a logical timeline, it's more of a gut feeling for them. So if you are dating somebody, and you have this idea in your head that it should progress, as you know, couple of first dates, then you get physical, whatever that means to you. Then after you get a little bit more serious, and you've been dating, for X number of months, you meet each other's families. And then after you've been dating after that, and it's going well, you get engaged, and then after it's been dating, after you have an engagement for so long, and then you get married. And then after you get married after so long, you have kids, all those things. That's not how his mind is working for the most men don't work that way. And we get really mad that they don't we expect them to read our minds and do all those things in the sequence. The reality is, that's not how they think. And so if you think that him not proposing on your timeline means he's, you're not sure if he's into you, or he's anti committal. It might be that don't get me wrong, it might be. But it might just be that he's not thinking about relationships the same way you are. So you got to ask for what you want what you need, if to ask very deliberately, indirectly, for what you want. I mean, so direct, like, Hey, we've been dating for X number of months, I want to get engaged. What do you think? So it's not, you need to propose to me, you should propose to me, when are you going to propose to me, it's not that they won't hear it, in fact, that will push them away. So this is where I said men and women speak different languages. What it is, is sharing what you want. I want to get engaged, I'm ready to get engaged. What do you think, okay. And then he might not have feelings on in that moment, he might need some time to think about it, consider what he really does think whatever, we don't want to push it, but make that known. And then if time goes by, and he still hasn't, and you're really frustrated, and it starts to become a deal breaker, you have the conversation again, more seriously in that, hey, I'm ready to get engaged. This is not happening. If it doesn't happen. In the next X amount of time, it's going to be a deal breaker. For me, this is how you talk about it, you're not telling him what to do, you're speaking about yourself and how you feel. And then if he doesn't do it in X amount of time, you have to end the relationship, you actually have to end it. I can't express how important that is enough. Because if you don't, you're setting that relationship up for your needs to not be met, you're making it okay for him to not meet your needs. And he may let you end it. If he's afraid of commitment, that's your sign. Or if you get that serious, and he wants to truly be with you then he will propose. So this is very much rooted in your empowerment. Okay. All right. I'm going to pause here because we are just over 30 minutes. And we're going to end up doing a third part of this episode. This is a first but I as I told you, there's a lot to discuss here. So I will talk to you next week in the next episode.
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